Down the Rabbit Hole: Relapse

30th St. and 2nd Avenue

I've been thinking a lot lately about addiction. Not necessarily addictions of the traditional type that conjure memories of high school health class warnings, or things you see on "reality TV", but true everyday addictions, like biting one's nails, dating someone you know you should walk away from, or going out until 4AM on a work night forgetting how much that hangover will hurt at 9AM. You know you shouldn't do it but you just can't not.

A good friend recently advised me that "there is no such thing as a healthy addiction." But what makes addiction dangerous is not the period when things are starting up, when something makes you feel good emotionally or physically, nor when you fall so hard it pains inside and you wish you'd never started. It's when even if you try and make yourself understand how you felt at the worst point, knowing you never want to be back in that place, you can no longer fully appreciate how painfully it stung, because at the same time there is nothing more gratifying than having it back. The problem with addiction is that there is no in between, it's either ecstasy or shit. It's knowing when to avoid the temptation, to stay away, and avoid relapse.

But I'm one to talk.

I'd say I'm probably one of the more impulsive people I know, and sometimes it's just so easy to make the most instantly gratifying decision. Self-destructive, but satisfying all the same. One day I'll learn.