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| Miguel Barcelo's Elephant sculpture. First time I saw this was outside the Caixa Forum in Madrid. It can now be found in Union Square, NY |
I often have a hard time coming to a satisfying conclusion when it comes to my own life, which makes it difficult for me to write. I like to think things over until I am exhausted, and even then I wake up unsure. For one, I am going to have to move soon for work. I do not want to move. But how do I come to terms with it before the actual time comes? I can't. I think, I am sure I will be fine. Everyone tells me I will get to my new home and settle right in. I sit and think about it over and over, never accepting it, just knowing that it's looming. I cycle through - each turn in my life has brought new people I attach to, new experiences that make me truly happy, and new places I do not want to let go of, so why should this time be any different? I will go with a good attitude, I will meet new people I like, I will be happy. I am pleased with this thought and I sit with it for a few minutes, and then the despair creeps up once again. I am miserably happy where I am. The present is so great but the future is always weighing me down, all consuming, I cannot escape it.
Sometimes I act irrationally, or so it seems, which is funny. Behind every action I take is an immense amount of contemplation. I circle through each situation, never settling completely on one verdict, but stopping to react at every possibility. When I am put in a tough position, say having to be compliant in a situation that I am not fully okay with, I try and understand, even rationalize. I think, am I selfish if I argue for this to be wholly in my favor? Is the other person right and am I just overreacting? I try and see it as the other person might, understand the reasons behind their feelings and predict what they are thinking. Whatever it is, I try and be okay with it, accept the terms as they are and move forward. I think I can stop here and everything will be all right.
But this is not enough. If I am giving in, am I being fair to myself? Am I ignoring a hard moral boundary I set by allowing myself to cross it? Is it okay for me to justify in order to accept? And if I am ignoring my own morals then how can I ever trust myself, hold myself to any standard? I do not want to be someone who cannot stand for her own beliefs and must constantly justify her actions because her actions are never wise. This is where I get upset. I want to trust myself and make decisions the same way I would advise someone under the same circumstances if I were to see it from an outside perspective. Now the thing or person I was okay with is upsetting me, and I must do what is right for me. I react in a jealous or angry way. This person is not seeing my point of view, how this is affecting me, and so on. I have gone out of my way to see it as they do only to be unfair to myself. They are being selfish and I have put everything on the line. Suddenly I look senseless and erratic.
And so it repeats.
Whether it is resolved, the time for change comes, or the issue just goes away, the cycle will only stop if there is a final outcome. And then my mind can rest.
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| LES - Invader |
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| Olek, LES |
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| New Museum of Contemporary Art, LES |
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| LES |
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| New Apostle Stencil |
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| Houston, LES |
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| Dumpling Man, St. Marks Pl |
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| Dumpling Man, St. Marks Pl |
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| Dumpling Man, St. Marks Pl |
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| Brooklyn |
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| Manhattan sunset |
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| Downtown St. Louis |
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| Downtown St. Louis |
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| Amoco Landmark at BP, St. Louis |
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| Good Ole Mississippi |
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| Downtown N'Orleans |
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| Beautiful New Orleans |
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| Canal St., New Orleans |
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| Mardi Gras Parade |
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| Mardi Gras parade, Canal St. |
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| Nothing like the crazies trying to protect the partiers on Bourbon St. from a world of sin |
